Day 4 - not yet

A lot of things are in the pipeline. It has been for almost 2 years now. 

I have not started fasting yet this Ramadan. On leave only women can claim. Anyway, it does not feel like Ramadan this year. Maybe because perspectives changed. 

1. Fasting is personal

2. Fasting must be internalised not just of food

3. No one needs to know you’re fasting

4. People of other religions also fast, so no need to make such a show of it

5. Fasting has become commercialised 

6. Fasting is not limited to Ramadan but is an exercise for the soul to get closer to the creator

7. Fasting is a test to control lusts

Good thoughts

What is charity? Thinking good of the other. Giving and forgiving. To what extent? 

Visited the bank again this morning. Met someone new today. To get the business area running, expanding. 

We didn’t do suhor today, I wasn’t fasting. The 1st of Ramadan I’m on a break. This year is special, CNY was celebrated the day before and fasting for Muslims began on the 3rd day of CNY. Same week. School holidays. 

Good work happened today. But I’m not happy. So many things, so much effort, for so long we’ve tried. The bottomline is not being met. Funds in red alert. I’m just shutting that part out so as not to worry more.

Business is not easy. Being an academic was much simpler. The pay was good, the work monotonous, not much challenge, low risk, boring, safe. 

I chose differently. The corporate world is tough. Perhaps being single was easier, freedom. Now it’s different, got a little bundle to care for, she just turned 5 months old a couple of weeks ago, tipping the scale at 6kg. Deewi Aishah. The bundle of joy and love. Alhamdulillah 

The New Chronology

Time is God, God is time

Space and time are beyond human control

Who then controls time and space?

27 Sept 2024 - we met at the corridors. We were neighbours. He asked my name and got my number. 

28 Sept 2024 - we chatted over tea at Hayaki. It was raining. Lightning and thunder. He told his story. 

29 Sept 2024 - he came over for coffee. Kids were at home.

30 Sept 2024 - he proposed. I was dumbfounded. Made him step back to think over. 

02.10.2025 - started 1st day at MSU. Not happy there but carried on.

21.10.2024 - submitted resignation. 

23.10.2024 - aqad nikah satun thailand. Arrange by captain. 13 hour drive. He made it all by himself. Impressed at the determination. 

24.10.2024 - back to Msia. 

07.11.2024 - joined DSAK as president. Under training and mentorship of captain. 

10.11.2024 - joined captain to Perak to collect his award of Yang Mulia. 

Welcome Ramadan 1447H

Welcoming Ramadan 1447H

You know when perspectives change because of enlightened understanding of religions, first it was a sense of confusion, uncertainty as I stepped out of the bubble so named by humans - called being Muslims in Malaysia, more so in Shah Alam - then it was a weird sense of carelessness. 

So what? There is a God and that God has many names. And that God is universal, beyond religions. And that God does not belong to one or a few sects. That God is omnipresent, beyond gender, beyond our understanding. 

Who introduced this God to humans? Adam, Moses, David, Abraham, Jesus, Muhammad - documented in various scriptures called the Torah, Bible, Psalms, Quran - all documented some time after their founders left the world.

So does God exist? Yes

Why Ramadan? Just like the lenten season for Christians and fasting of other religions, fasting during Ramadan is a form of spiritual retreat, of leaving aside for a moment the richness of this worldly life and to reconnect back to the purpose of our existence. Food, sex and money for a taste of hunger, the discipline of chastity and the giving in charity.

May this month be one of meaning for the soul, body and mind.

When **** happens

Counting days since mid-May 2024 after returning from China to Malaysia. After resigning as senior manager. After cooking and celebrating Eid with the ex. After trying reconciliation… twice… three times. After mediation. After a lot of efforts. Today marks a solid 3.5 months away. Today also marks my 4th haid without him touching me.

**** fill in the blanks. Life.

Giving 20 years is something. Giving 20 years with disloyalty at the end is profound. Giving 20 years plus learning  his cultures, giving birth to his 2 children and learning his language, his food and then being served with some mannerless sil and more heartlessness by him… that is the nail in the coffin. Let’s not remind myself of the bad but of the good. The good which affected from this relationship for both parties. It made me stronger. Alhamdulillah. 

It also made me question what a husband is anyway? Not who but what.

If a husband behaves like a lord

Serves you more work

Serves you criticism 

Uses unkind words

Doesn’t care less

Even after you have done a full days work, earning and bringing income for the family

…… really……

Then no woman needs a husband.

A woman needs a husband for 2 things really i.e. sex and children - once said a wise old woman. 

So what is a husband anyway?

Shouldn’t he be life’s companion

Shouldn’t he be kind

Shouldn’t he provide

Shouldn’t he care

In my mind I ceased to have one after my return from China. I remind myself that I am an independent worthy and respectable woman. No man nor woman can and will counter that.

Allahulam 

Sometimes Good People

There are many good people in the world.

They are not the ones who likes to be seen. Rather they are those very quiet, moving silently and working quietly. Why make a ruckus when one knows we are all in this together. Provisions of nature presents itself in ways we take forgranted. 

It is natural yet not a disaster that everyone is aging in his own time. Sometimes it is easy for some sometimes difficult. Circumstances differs, for each his own.

Yet those things are still relative - like family, children, illnesses - very much human nature. Sometimes personalised, sometimes as a community - like friendship circles, marriages, natural disasters, festivities and finally death - alone.

Those who make noise - seek attention, just like children and babies. As adults, if you make noise, it is either you need company, you need help or you're doing marketing or politics.

Unity in Religion

Daily readings continue. I have reached surah no. 42 Ash-Shura (the consultation). These 3 verses were very related to the submission to One God and the call for the unity in religion: Al Quran 42:13-15.

The study hall at Ma’had Daarut Tahfiz Al Ikhlas, Banda Aceh

Here is ayat 15:

So to that [religion of Allah ] invite, [O Muhammad], and remain on a right course as you are commanded and do not follow their inclinations but say, "I have believed in what Allah has revealed of the Qur'an, and I have been commanded to do justice among you. Allah is our Lord and your Lord. For us are our deeds, and for you your deeds. There is no [need for] argument between us and you. Allah will bring us together, and to Him is the [final] destination."

This has much lessons when I try to apply it to the religious debate so easily ignited between me, my parents and especially now my brother. It had used to be also with my cousin brother, that subsided for now. Alhamdulillah. 

Taking these tafsir lessons from the above verse 15 may be broken into 10 parts just like ayat Al Kursi:

1. So unto this then invite (people),

means, `so call people to this which We have revealed to you and which We enjoined upon all the Prophets before you,' the Prophets of major ways (of Shariah) that were followed, such as the Messengers of strong will, and others.

2. and stand firm as you are commanded,

means, `adhere firmly, you and those who follow you, to the worship of Allah as He has commanded you.'

3. and follow not their desires,

means, the desires of the idolators, in the falsehoods that they have invented and fabricated by worshipping idols.

4. but say:"I believe in whatsoever Allah has sent down of the Book..."

means, `I believe in all the Books that have been revealed from heaven to the Prophets; we do not differentiate between any of them.'

5. and I am commanded to do justice among you.

means, when judging according to the commands of Allah.

6. Allah is our Lord and your Lord.

means, `He is the One Who is to be worshipped, and there is no true God but He. We affirm this willingly, and even though you do not do so willingly, everyone in the universe prostrates to Him obediently and willingly.'

7. For us our deeds and for you your deeds.

means, `we have nothing to do with you.'

8. There is no dispute between us and you.

9. Allah will assemble us (all), (means, on the Day of Resurrection).

10. and to Him is the final return.

means, the final return on the Day of Reckoning

Allahulam